This station's First Avenue. First Avenue.
[Door chimes]
Whoa. N... um...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay.
Damn it.
Hey, man, you're supposed to let commuters
get off the train before you get on
with your giant weird boxes.
Sorry. You looked like you were reading your trashy magazine.
Sue me for trying to get to a place
but also wanting to find out if Elin Nordegren
is moving on with her life.
By the way, she's open to dating.
Yeah, so you'll get off at the next stop.
Yeah, in Brooklyn, where everyone is
incredibly intimidating and expressive.
So thanks for adding that to my day.
And by the way, what's in these?
Like, dead bodies?
Stuffed animals filled with cocaine?
Baby strollers for Haiti, okay?
They've got all-terrain wheels on them
so that malnourished mothers
can push the strollers through the rubble.
(Women) Aw.
I didn't know that you were some kind of do-gooder.
I do what I do, all right?
If other people want to think it's good, it's on them.
(Women) Aw.
Okay. Enough, okay?
He's not the only good person on the subway.
I'm a doctor.
But you know the way you were dressed, I thought you were, like,
- a rapper's publicist or something. - Thank you.
Not a compliment.
Let's see your card.
Oh, I get it. Because you don't believe me.
- You're gonna look so dumb, mister. - All right.
"Dr. Mindy Lahiri."
Mm-hmm.
Cute card. Thank you.
Cuter doctor. Whoa.
What is happening here?
Can I call you?
For what, like a date or something weird?
For a date. [Door chimes]
We'll see if it turns into something weird, okay?
That's a very sexy thing to say.
If other people wanna think that's sexy, that's on them.
This is your stop.
Yeah, I should go. Okay, yeah.
Oh, God, what is this, a band?
Okay, sir, put a shirt on.
Rabbi, I have to get by.
There's a situ... okay. What a horrible snake.
Stupid Brooklyn.
[Upbeat music]
♪
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/
Guys, I met a hot stranger on the subway,
and he did not try to kill me.
In fact, he was handsome. And get this...
He was sending boxes to Haiti.
Okay, I understand that boxes are fun to play in,
but people in Haiti need supplies.
Sounds better than your last couple guys.
I guess that we'll just wait for the other shoe to drop.
Dark-secret-wise.
Okay, Mr. Cynical.
I feel sorry for you that you can't believe
a person exists who does good for other people.
Hey, I'm going to the practice volunteer trip next week.
In fact, Mindy, you're the only person
who currently isn't going.
Ugh. A women's prison? You guys, come on.
If I wanted to get shanked,
I'd just shave my legs drunk again... am I right?
Mindy, the American prison system is a blemish
on an otherwise beautiful country.
The least we can do is offer
these poor souls free health care.
I am chipping in for the van, am I not?
And that is a very generous contribution.
This is like habitat for humanity.
Would you prefer someone who has never
picked up a hammer before, or would you prefer a check
to buy as many hammers as you want?
So no one is hammering in your scenario.
Mindy, these inmates, they need our help.
They're mostly good people.
That is true. They mainly are good people.
But as an ex-con, let me tell you,
they are mostly dead-eyed creeps and savages.
Morgan makes a great point.
See? You are the tallest man
that I've ever been on a date with.
- Thank you. - I dated a guy once that was 5'1".
He was a cockswain for a crew team.
I rode a crew. Really?
I rode with the winklevoss twins.
They called us the winklevoss triplets.
This is a really nice date.
You know, this place used to be a speakeasy.
- Really? - Uh-huh,
babe Ruth was said to have thrown up
at that booth over there.
That's funny that you bring up babe Ruth,
because I saw Derek Jeter at a night club one night.
- Whoa. - I think it was Derek Jeter.
He was definitely mid raxe good enough for me.
I love New York City.
Every building used to be something else.
For instance, my apartment used to be a tuberculosis hospital.
Are you kidding?
My apartment building
used to be a tuberculosis hospital.
I feel like there should be a walking tour
- of all the pockets in New York City... - Totally.
Where illnesses have ravaged the population.
Yes. Do you know what I mean?
- Like, upper westside is smallpox. - Mm-hmm.
Roosevelt island is polio, ironically enough.
We're going on this tour.
(Waiter) Here's your appetizer.
- Thanks. - Oh, my God, this looks so good.
- Casey, you've got to try this. - Lord Jesus,
we are your brothers and sisters,
- and we gather here in your name, - [Mouth full] Oh, my God.
In your love.
Give us your blessing and bless this food for us.
Amen. All right, let's do this.
Oh, is it funky?
Did we get some funky bruschetta?
Were you just praying?
Was that weird for you?
No. Do you do that a lot?
I do. Yeah.
It's kind of like an occupational hazard, I guess.
- I'm a minister, so... - Ha ha ha!
- No, I am. - Oh, you were not kidding?
Danny, do you remember that guy
that I said I was going out with?
- Vaguely. - Get this.
He's a priest. A catholic priest?
You should feel weird, because you're going to hell.
No, he's Lutheran.
Well, that just makes him a minister.
And you're missing the point.
When dinner came, he began to pray.
At a restaurant, Danny.
Okay, whoa. Hold... hold it right there.
Before you say anything offensive,
let me tell you that I'm a pretty serious catholic.
Really?
How can someone with a God complex be religious?
Aren't you afraid of being smited?
No, I'm not one of those crazy fanatic Catholics.
I just... I go to church every Sunday,
father Francis comes over for dinner
five times a month, Max.
You know what, you are perfect for this.
Will you please come with me to Casey's service this weekend?
I kind of like him, and I need to make sure
that he's normal and not some, like, weirdo cult leader.
You know what? Sure.
- Really? - Yeah.
I actually find that confronting
other faiths strengthens mine.
I once fasted for a month during Ramadan
just to be more catholic. Okay.
You know, I've wandered into brises, and I come out,
and I'm more catholic, so I do this stuff...
You can head out because I'm gonna finish.
Okay, great. So Sunday.
See you Sunday. I'll help you out.
Thanks, Danny. Great. No problem.
(Rishi) So should I be worried that you're going to church?
Hey, Rishi, I didn't ask you
to spend spring break on my couch, okay?
I don't need your judgment.
All right, well, give me some of that doctor money,
and I'll be in Mexico tomorrow.
With your head chopped off, Rishi?
I don't think so. I have a CD of ocean sounds.
I have margarita mix. You are fine here.
(Rishi) Look, woman.
Just don't change yourself for this guy, all right?
I mean, I dig it when girls do it for me,
but then I totally lose respect for them.
(Mindy) Ew, Rishi.
There is no way that I'm gonna change who I am.
What are you wearing?
Church clothes.
Have you never seen a Tyler Perry movie?
[Organ music]
♪
(man) Oh, are you kidding?
(Second man) Yeah, seriously.
You gotta lose the hat.
Danny, it's part of my outfit.
Just lose the hat.
Lose your tie. It's for my look.
It's just... people will think it's weird if I don't...
- [Whispering] I can't see. - Oh.
All right, all right.
- Sorry. - Just keep your pants on. It's fine.
Keep it down in here, okay? Did it mess up my hair?
[Whispering] It doesn't matter. God doesn't judge.
I want Casey to like it. I don't care about God.
Can you say that any louder?
(Danny) Okay, here we go.
[Pulsing techno music]
♪
What is that headphones guy doing?
Oh, my God. He's ruining the record.
- (Mindy) Danny, that's Moby. - Who?
(Mindy) The musician.
This is the coolest party I've ever gone to.
- It's not a party. - Moby.
[Cheers and applause]
Come on.
This is great.
I love each and every one of you. Thank you.
I'm excited for today. I've got a big announcement.
I hope this is not about me.
I will be so embarrassed.
I hate God.
[All gasping]
Oh, man. We're all dead.
(Casey) And here's why. Had a long day at the office.
Got home, I was exhausted.
You know, I kick off my dress shoes, put on my uggs.
Thank you, Moby. Appreciate those.
What I want to do...
Watch a little game of thrones on the DVR.
Turns out... wasn't recorded.
I look up at the big man, I go, "what's up with that, G?"
That's why I hate God.
And I want everyone here to say it with me.
I hate God?
She hates God. Who else hates God?
(All) I hate God!
No, no, no, no. I'm not on board with this.
I hate God.
(All) I hate God.
Okay. Okay. All right.
We all hate God, and he hears your anger.
You know what?
God still loves you anyway.
[Murmuring] Oh, yes, yes!
That was amazing.
(Woman) Amen.
Something's been bugging me today.
Now he's talking about you. Shh.
I see a bunch of weekend warriors.
I'm not seeing you guys here during the week.
Guys, God is with you 24/7.
Even when you're doing you know what.
I'm not telling you to be some religious freak.
If I want to go to Bonnaroo and see the black keys,
it doesn't mean I want to go to hell.
I just want to rock!
Let God in. He's cool.
It's actually kind of like Bruno Mars sings.
♪ I never had much faith in love ♪
♪ Or miracles
♪ Never been one to put
♪ My heart on the line
[music amps up]
Are you kidding me?
♪ But swimming in your water's something spirit-u-Al ♪
♪
♪ I'm born again every time you spend the ni-i-ight ♪
[vocalizes]
[Cheers and applause]
I'm totally gonna nail Pastor Casey.
Just move it. Move it or lose it, ladies.
I'm sorry. Hey, guys. Sorry, I'm just... I'm kind of...
He's already taken, so...
Hey, Casey. How's it going?
Give me a hug.
Whoa.
Great seeing you.
That was unbelievable.
What are you doing here?
You didn't tell me you were coming.
No, I wouldn't miss it for the world, you know.
And, actually, I brought a friend.
- Danny, what do you doing? Come here. - What's going on?
Can you tell Casey how much you loved the service?
Pastor, it was... it was nice.
A little too cool for school for me.
- Get out of here. Get out of here. - It was nice.
I'm not gonna lie in front of a church.
Constructive criticism. I can't get enough.
I'm sorry about him. His wife left him.
- God's with him. - And I just want to tell you...
What's up?
I really would love to see you again.
Okay.
Because this whole thing, this guy right here... Sure.
I'm, like, just so feeling it.
Yeah. Just I don't care that you don't have any money.
You can deal with gross lepers all day long,
look, Mindy, I had a great time on our date.
It was so much fun. Me too.
Okay, it was fun. You're cool.
And I am actually very attracted to you
in like a really interesting and visceral way.
Okay, I am so feeling that.
But here's the... Here's the... here's the deal.
The driving force in my life is selflessness.
Selfishness?
Selflessness.
And I just don't get the sense that it's yours.
So you don't think I'm a good person?
No, no, no. Look, it was one date.
Just, you didn't seem too interested
in the mission we're working on in Haiti.
You only lit up when I talked about meeting Wyclef.
No, when you were talking about your email exchange
with Sean Penn, I thought that was really interesting.
Look, I'm not saying you're a bad person.
It's just I hold myself to an impossibly high standard.
I don't want that to make you feel bad about who you are.
- You know. - Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
You just don't think I'm a good person.
It'll take two hours to get to the prison.
We should start loading the van.
Why are there pictures of you in there?
Well, the women always ask.
It seems cruel and unusual punishment to deny them.
Everyone, I am ready to go to prison,
because I am a good person.
Actually, we should all go.
Okay, you're telling people that are already going.
Yes, Danny, I am preaching to the choir,
which is uniquely challenging
because often they are singing and they cannot hear you.
- What's on your key chain? - This is pepper spray.
So if everyone tries anything I'll be like,
"pew, pew, pepper spray."
If you get close enough to these maniacs
to use pepper spray, that means you're already dead.
Hey, let's hit the road.
(Mindy) Wow, volunteering just feels so good.
We haven't done anything yet.
All we did was get breakfast sandwiches.
Mindy, you don't need to do this.
If there's an outlet mall near the prison.
We can drop you there.
According to the billboard, it's a real oasis of savings.
Guys, what is this crazy perception
that I am not altruistic? It's nuts.
- And as Jesus said, if you want... - Wait, you can't quote Jesus.
You've been to church once. He knows what you are.
Betsy, quit squirming.
Our bones are grinding.
[Honks horn] Pay attention, please.
Got a lot to go over
before we get to the lady joint, all right?
I want you to remember that these are prisoners
that have been judged as scum.
And they are desperate people, okay?
Dr. L, I got this newsboy cap.
I want you to tuck your hair into it.
You gotta "boy" up.
No, I'm not looking like an orphan.
Take it back.
Dr. Reed, Dr. Castellano, I want to pull at a gas station
and show you guys in the bathroom
a step-by-step guide on how to tape your junk down.
You don't have to do that.
Actually, you should just dress like a woman, Dr. Reed.
Just right away to be safe. No, Morgan.
Betsy, if you show fear, they will literally eat you.
Other rules:
Don't volunteer any personal information.
Dr. Lahiri...
I heard you. To make sure...
I have created aliases for all of us.
Dr. C, you're gonna be Edward Wong.
He is a Chinese-American attorney in Palo Al...
Who threw it?
[Shouts] Who threw it?
(Mindy) Oh, God.
Danny, I don't know if I can do this.
I feel really trapped in here.
It's a prison. That's on purpose.
I do not like the way that they are looking at me.
I can tell that they resent my freedom.
You want to wait in the van? I'll crack a window.
I have to do this. I have to do this.
I like your hair. Keep walking. Keep walking.
Those who do not follow Morgan's rules
are doomed to repeat them.
Afternoon, everybody. It's so good to be back.
I recognize lots of old faces.
Donna, I love your hairdo.
For those of you beginning your "stretch,"
I'm Dr. Reed.
I brought two very competent colleagues with me
to help take care of you, so please,
line up where'd you like. Thanks.
(Guard) Line it up, ladies.
(Morgan) No, no, no, no. Ladies!
And I use that term loosely.
I want three equal lines. Here, here, and here.
- Come on! - (Jeremy) Morgan. Let them choose.
They have such little choice in their lives.
No, not only are you making these two doctors
feel like losers...
- What? - I don't feel like a loser.
Which they are not.
They are rich, they are hot.
They are not in jail, unlike you!
Move! Break it up now.
Three. One, two, three.
No, Morgan.
Now all the scary-looking ones are coming to my line.
That woman has two wandering eyes.
Hey, guys. Can I trade you,
because that one woman just asked to buy my penis.
This is the worst day of my life.
She doesn't have any money.
Come forward. Yeah, let's get...
(Morgan) Not for sale.
I don't want to hear the word "penis"
come out of your mouth.
Thank you so much. Hi. How are you?
Ow! Uck.
Okay, ma'am, I cannot give you a breast exam
if you keep biti at my fingers.
Next.
I really appreciate you doing this.
I do not know that I will be of much help.
I think I need a rabies shot.
Come on in.
How can I help you?
Actually, I have an embarrassing question.
No, I will not pass a message on to someone
on the outside. I won't do it.
No, no.
Do you have any idea what's been happening
on real housewives?
Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
Yeah, do you have three hours?
Of course you do. You're in prison.
Susan Robinson? What?
I mean... what?
I don't know any Susan,
and I've never even been to Tucson. Move along.
Susan, it's me, Judith. What gives?
Hey, you heard her, Judith.
"Hey"? Scram, Judith.
You didn't need to do that.
I wanted to. I liked it.
You're really nice.
Really? Yeah, I mean, look at you.
You're a fancy doctor, and you're taking
all this time to talk to me.
You know what? I was saving this as a reward
for my ride home, but I want you to have this.
Wow.
I can't remember the last time someone gave me a present.
Um, well, I-I-I don't know
if you'd have use for this, but do you want my pashmina?
Oh, thank you. Yeah?
I'd give you my belt, but I'm a little worried
you'd use it to hang yourself, so I'm gonna hold onto that.
Do you have any old keys I could sharpen?
Uh...
As long as you have people like us fighting for you,
you're not forgotten.
- Take a photo. - Okay. Thank you.
I just met the first female casino robber.
Said she broke the glass ceiling.
I guess that's what set off the alarm.
(Mindy) All right, Lizzy, it was great meeting you.
Take care, okay?
And I'll see you when you get out.
What?
I just thought you'd spend the whole day
hitting on the guy in the watch tower.
No, I was too busy touching lives.
As it turns out, I am extremely altruistic.
Great. Maybe next you'll work on humility.
(Mindy) No need.
- I want candy! - No, I dropped that!
- No. No, no. - I gave that to Lizzy.
- Mindy, no. - What are you doing?
Okay, everyone calm down. Hey.
I did not give that to you!
[Alarm blaring] I want it!
(Morgan) You're a surgeon.
You've got delicate hands. Get out of here!
Do not enter a hot zone.
Hey, stop!
(Mindy) It doesn't belong to you! Stop... stop that!
Stop it!
Stop it, I told you...
I like your hair.
[Maniacal laugh]
[Screams]
Guards! Gas them!
If you ask me, these criminals have it too easy.
I would put them in a box, throw some scorpions in the box,
- close the box, walk away. - It's not that bad.
I used to have hair here.
I think we all learned a lesson today.
Even though I can bench-press 200 pounds,
a big woman sits on my chest...
Lights out.
- Danny? - Yeah?
I am so embarrassed.
I basically started a prison riot
so I could prove to everyone how altruistic I am.
Yeah, you did it to impress that Pastor Casey.
Yeah.
Isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard?
No, it's not. It's okay.
Christians only do charity work to impress God. He's a guy.
National Geographic says that God could be a woman.
I'm trying really hard to be benevolent right now.
Yeah. The point is, you helped other people today.
For one second it felt good, and now I regret it.
And I basically got scalped.
Thank God you're not back in India
where that injury would make you unmarryable.
That, plus your age.
[Laughs] Ow.
- Sorry. - Damn it!
- I'm sorry. - Just don't make me laugh,
- and fix my face! - Don't get riled up.
(Morgan) Let's review what we learned today.
Dr. Lahiri, I told you to tuck your hair
into a newsboy cap, and you scoffed at me,
and now, you look like a monster.
I am sorry that I pepper-sprayed you accidentally,
- but you tackled me! - Yeah, lay off her.
Okay, you're one to talk.
You're shakin' your little hips back there for all the women,
making 'em crazy.
I wasn't shaking my hips.
- Hey, Dr. Reed. - Get off.
Hey, do you think I enjoy taping my genitals to my leg?
- Do you think that's why I do it? - I have no idea.
I warned you. How do you feel right now?
- Violated. - Violated, yes.
Hey, Dr. L. Hey, sleepy face.
Hey, quick question.
What do you not understand about me saying,
"do not feed the inmates"? Was that not clear?
We've all had a very long day, Morgan.
No. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry, I was talking, okay?
But I guess that means nothing to you people.
I bet if I was pregnant, you'd be listening
to every single word I have to say.
If you were pregnant,
I think we'd all have a lot of questions.
Oh, ha ha ha ha!
I didn't realize I was driving Kevin Hart around in my minivan!
When it comes to prisons, I am the gynecologist!
You're the nurses!
Okay, we... We're sorry, and we know you're upset,
but we're very hungry, Morgan, and maybe we could
just pull over and get something to eat?
- Can we eat? - Yes.
Do we deserve to eat?
No.
Rishi, when you almost die, it really makes you think
about what's really important to you in life.
(Rishi) You talking about me or the burrito?
Why can't it be both?
Oh, God, Rishi, kill me. It's that minister guy.
No, no, no. Just pretend we're on a date.
- Yeah. - Is he walking by?
- He's coming, just... - Mindy?
What happened to you?
You don't talk to her, all right? You talk to me.
You hurt my big sister's feelings, and then
she went and volunteered at a women's prison,
and they beat her up good.
Look at her face, man. No one's gonna date her now.
She looks like Manny Pacquiao.
Are you serious?
Relax, it had nothing to do with you.
What? Look, Mindy's a really good person, okay?
When I was in elementary school, I got the crap kicked out of me
until Mindy told those bullies
that she would cut their guts out, okay?
They still call you "psycho bitch."
Does that sound like a bad person to you?
No. Rish, I appreciate what you're trying to do,
but please don't defend me. You make me sound crazy.
So who are these cute kids?
Oh, this is Jean-Jean and Jean-Pierre.
(Both) Bonjour.
They're my little brothers from Haiti,
and I'm about to go school 'em
in some laser tag. Isn't that right, boys?
- (Both) Oui, monsieur Casey. - They're great kids.
- How dare you. - What?
We get it. You're perfect.
You're tall, you're handsome,
you have two adorable children from a terrible country,
and you're taking care of them.
It's a beautiful country in terrible circumstances.
Okay, cool. You always correct me when I sound racist.
I don't correct you, and you didn't sound racist.
And yeah, we're lame, we're Hindu,
we used a groupon for burritos,
but you know what, that's our lot in life and we love it,
so why don't you just leave the Lahiris alone,
and, uh, to burrito time.
Boom.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I know why you're mad at me.
The way I talked you after church the other day
was not appropriate.
It's just, I was comin' offstage,
and it can be tough to come down and not be so... full of myself.
I bet it's hard to come down from something like that.
I shouldn't have judged you.
I'm price conscious too, and burritos can be expensive.
- Are you done? - Are you done?
Yeah, I'm Casey, by the way.
Hi. Rishi.
- Rapper. - Scientist.
It's good to see you.
Kind of a crazy coincidence running into you.
But if God's taught me anything,
it's that there are no coincidences.
You guys ready to go?
Allons-y, les enfants.
(Both) Oui, monsieur Casey!
You started loving Jesus for that guy?
He's not 100% bad. He's just... mostly terrible.
We gotta get you on a dating website
or something. [Text alert]
And those aren't his real brothers.
I hope you know that.
I mean, can you believe that guy?
[Text alert] I cannot.
He is the worst.
I will not be seeing him again.
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/